The middle.

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head, you feel left out.
Or looked down on.

Just try your best.
Try everything you can
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
When you're away.

It's weird the above song lyrics are from one of the best known pop punk songs ever, but I'd never thought about them on a deep level until recently. It was only when it was stripped back from it's usual upbeat, guitar laden to a very soulful acoustic version that the words really hit home. In case you didn't know the song it's the rather good Jimmy Eat World hit 'The Middle'. Released in 2001 not long before I started university, it was one of the songs that made up the soundtrack of my first year. It was a rotation in Flat H, Liddle Hall along with Linkin Park, Eminem and The Lost Prophets, the less said about the last one the better I think. I remember sitting on those uncomfortable chair in the kitchen area, playing on Kev's PlayStation two, singing along, badly it has to be said while Abs moaned at us and tried to change the song playing to Uncle Kracker's Follow me. It's always been one of the first songs I've put onto any device I've had and now in the age of streaming it's on about half a dozen different playlists of mine. So as you can tell it's been a big song in the story of my life.

This begs the question why didn't I really pay attention to the meaning behind the lyrics? Well back when it was released I don't think I paid attention to many of the lyrics of songs, as long as it had a good beat and maybe a chance to play air guitar I was happy to listen to most things, I am still am, my playlists are filled with an eclectic mix of genres. I don't really know is the short answer, I wasn't looking in depth at it in those days, but now with a wiser head I can see the message in them.

When I was at my lowest, not long after the break up I did write myself off. I wondered who would miss me if I was gone, who would care if I just disappeared from existence and went the way of the parrot form the famous Monty Python. I couldn't see the point of anything. That first week after the break up was the hardest period of my life. Luckily my place of work was amazing, I wasn't any use to them and they gave me the time off to try and sort my head out. It obviously took a lot longer than a week but those first days it took everything in me just to do the basic things. I just didn't want to be around anyone, thinking that I'd bring everyone around me down.

You spend to much time in your head thinking about what other people say about you, wondering what they are doing. Imagining scenarios in your head that will never happen, when I was at my lowest some really horrible thoughts did go through my head. I thought everyone was laughing at me, calling me a failure. I pictured them all getting together and ripping me apart shred by shred, dissecting every flaw or indiscretion I'd ever done. Like the lyrics it was all in my head but at the time I couldn't see it at the time. It was like a fog had developed in my head and all I couldn't break through.

What started to help lift that fog was a trip to see my Nan and Grandad. They had one of those chats with me that only the older generation can do. They took on board everything I was saying, gently nudging me in the right direction of seeking help. My dad helped as well, we had some deep discussions about what had gone on, how I felt and that is half the problem and the hardest part of it. Admitting there is something wrong and you need help. It wasn't an overnight thing, it was a gradual realisation that maybe there was still a chance to recover myself, whoever that was. I didn't know at the time. I've said it before I'd lost myself, didn't know who I was or what I wanted from life. 

The big change was starting therapy, it helped me see that I wasn't to blame for everything, other people had effected me in ways I couldn't comprehend at the time. I made changes to my lifestyle, I joined the gym, started doing things that interested me. I made the effort with friends that I'd let drift away. It wasn't an easy journey, some harsh truths were discussed in those sessions, harsh truths that were needed.

Because of the therapy I'm trying lots of new things, It's almost like that film 'Yes Man' though without the universe punishing me when I say no, it's led to me to make new friends, have some amazing adventures and yes rediscover myself. I'm learning new skills (the guitar lessons still aren't going very well!) I am trying my best, some days are better than others, some days I still want to tell the world to f**k off and want to cocoon myself in bed watching repeats of Red Dwarf. I've found on those days if I set myself little tasks, even if it's as simple as putting a load of washing on and cooking myself a succulent meal (sorry I saw that video again today) it helps. Rosie has helped me see that not everything in the world in under my control, I can't tell other people what to do, think or say. I'm responsible for myself only, my own actions and thoughts. 

One of my big problems in the past is that I felt the need to be liked by everyone, now I really couldn't care what the vast majority say about me. I know there are people out there slagging me off to kingdom come and one day I'd love to confront them and ask them why they feel the need to do that instead of to my face. I've got a group of close friends who abuse me in the right way, for my choice of football team, or an opinion on a film that they disagree with. I've got my family, one of the biggest pluses I can take from this whole scenario is that as as adult I've never been closer to my parents. I'm happy for them to say what they want about me, at the end of the day it doesn't affect me, it just makes me laugh that I'm taking up space in there heads, like they used to with mine.

We don't talk about mental health to much do we? There is a still a stigma attached it isn't there, especially for men. We're supposed to be these strong, stoic creatures who don't show any vulnerability and if we do then we are ridiculed. The world is however changing and it's becoming a little easier for men to show emotion, to show weakness without being labelled. I know when I was growing up it wasn't a done thing, emotions weren't on display as much as they are theses days. Therapy was a foreign concept for most but I can honestly say that without it, I'm not sure if I'd be here today, and if I was I certainly wouldn't be in the place I am today.

I'm not going to lie and say there's a miracle cure out there, but if my words can help just one person out there reach out for help then it's worth it. Just remember what I forgot for a time. You are not alone, there is always someone to talk to, I'll always have an open line for any of my friends out there, no matter what the time. Just remember to not write yourself off, try your best and try not to worry about what they say about you when your not there.