Anniversaries

Now before I get into the bones of this post, I want to make it crystal clear that I'm in a good place now. I haven't had any of those thoughts in a long time, my mental health is in a much better place than it was back then and even though there are some depressing moments coming up in this post you can rest assured that I'm doing ok and that these things are things I've discussed in therapy and with friends and have worked through to make some conclusions that for some may seem strange but they work for me.

Apart from it being far to hot for me at the minute, I'm much more a winter child, I'm doing well but July 19th is a significant day in my life. It's the day I got married. Now growing up I honestly didn't think it would ever happen to me. I thought I was going to be on my own, I was to eccentric to find someone who would agree to spend the rest of their life with me. Yes I had girlfriends some that lasted a couple of hours like Heather, and I mean hours literally. I asked her out at dinner time she said yes then dumped me by the end of double English in the afternoon. To those that were more serious like Lauren, which was a year and a half of on and off and on again.

So when Jemma said yes to me I'll be honest I was shocked. We'd been together for a couple of years at this point and we were genuinely in love with each other. At least I think we were. It's human nature to look back at things and try to reinterpret them, to try and change the narrative but I still remember the look in her eyes as I got down on one knee and asked her. There's a bit in How I Met Your Mother about there always being a reacher and a settler in every relationship. I think she definitely settled for me and a lot of people joked at the time that I was punching well above my weight. I laughed with them out loud but internally I couldn't agree more.the old self confidence letting me down again.

When did things change? It's hard to pinpoint it, I know myself confidence started to dip off not long after we were married. I learnt a lot from Rosie about love languages and I found my chief ones were doing things for the people I care about and spending money on them. I think this in part is down to my upbringing. My mum and dad always used to do these little things for each other when I was growing up, like always leaving little notes or the same fake flower on the counter top to remind each other that they were thinking of them. They didn't have the money to spend on things like dates etc not when they had three young children to feed and clothe, but now they are in a much better financial position they like to treat each other and I was the same. I spent far to much money on things that I didn't need to, front row theatre tickets, meals out and other stuff that was an overspend. Again hindsight is a glorious thing and I'd hate to do the maths involved.

it wasn't just the money though, I started going through the motions and thought that I wasn't a good husband if I didn't do everything for her. Cooking, cleaning it really got bad during lockdown when I took over everything and it never really got back on an even keel. I'd get up and make her ack lunch for her, always made sure she had a meal waiting for her when she got home and I was on the late shift.

There were mistakes on both sides at least I think so, a lack of communication being the chief one. We weren't unhappy per se but we weren't happy either. Secrets and lies told on both sides. Yes mine were bad but then again hers weren't great either. Without going into details let's just say we both hurt other deeply, looking back do I regret it? Of course I do I hurt her deeply for which I've apologised on numerous occasions, has she done the same for me? The simple answer is no, she justified her actions but not once did she apologise to me. Something again I've worked on during therapy and come to the conclusion that she never will.

we took each other for granted and that's the biggest issue we had. Again looking back maybe we should have broken up a long time ago we were just plodding along not really doing anything noteworthy. There were a couple of times normally after alcohol was consumed that we were a little more honest with other, if we'd had those conversations sober who knows what might have happened.

I don't know who reads this blog but as I said I assure you that I'm doing ok and even though it's a little bit of a sad day it's also a happy day. I sent her a message not long after we broke up saying don't be sad it's over be thankful it ever happened in the first place. It's true I am happy it happened we had some good times, made memories I'll cherish forever. 

I wish her nothing but the best going forward, but at the same time I look back and think were we ever right for each other? Probably not if I'm being honest. She put up with a lot of my geeky passions, it was like she tolerated them whereas I tried to get involved in hers. Do I miss being with her? Sometimes after a hard day I miss coming home and having someone there to unload a little on, or to just give me a hug, but then on the other side of the coin it's nice to be able to do what I want, go on my little trips. She's happy with her new guy, I'm not you can classify him as new any more. As I've said in previous posts there are questions I'd like to ask her and get honest replies but seeing as communication between the two of us is non existent these days I very much doubt that will happen.