So I was wrong

In my last post I promised I would post a little more regularly and well as you can tell if you keep an eye on this thing I haven't kept that promise....but in my defence I have stupidly busy with work, it's been the end of year school party season and I've come to the conclusion that I dislike school children with a passion! I think I may be in the wrong job!

So what's this post about? It's a little bit weird but I'm going to talk a little bit about the mental health issues I've had in the past and the ways I've found to cope with things. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess your thinking why and in particular why now. Well the why now is the simple thing to answer. I've had my ups and downs, high days and low days but feel as though I'm generally in a good place right now. Yes there are things I'm still working on but on the whole I'm on the right path. That coupled with the fact that a couple of my closest friends have also told me they've struggled and have looked for help that I felt the need to share my experience with it all.

So I don't think I've ever gone into much detail about what nearly went down when I was at my lowest point A couple of my closest friends know but now I'm going to lay it all bare. Jemma and me had the blow out argument that ended our relationship on a Tuesday, that day and well into the night I drank myself into a coma, anything and everything that I could get my hands on in our home was thrown down my throat. I can't recommend the mixture of drinks I had that day at all, in fairness I don't think I've ever drunk that much that quickly in my life and I would like to take this opportunity to say sorry to Charlene for the drunken phone call that occurred that day. 

I somehow managed to drag myself to work for 8am the next day and this is the part that will forever live in my memory. I sent her a text asking how she was doing and she came back with a nonchalant reply that said she was doing ok, she asked me how I was doing and I replied that I was breaking up inside. I broke down in front of one of the owners of the business and told her that I thought my marriage was over and that I didn't really care that the gas hadn't been delivered correctly that week, that statement shocked her a little bit, I think it would with most people wouldn't it?

This is where it started to go weird for me. In my head she wasn't concerned with me and just wanted me gone, knowing what I know now I don't think that's to far off the mark. It didn't help that I made the mistake of stopping off at a local shop and buying a bottle of vodka which as soon as I was out of sight of the shop I started drinking, this was on top of vast quantities I'd consumed the night before. I realised that I didn't want to be at home when she got there, so I stopped off at home, changed my clothes and headed straight out all while drinking the vodka. I ended up down the far end of town near the train station, and for some reason that I still can't rationalise in my head I jumped on the first train that came my way which happened to be the one to Nottingham. I ended up getting off said train at Grantham simply because I needed the loo and the one on the train was out of order, so there I sat on Grantham station more than a little worse for wear, the bottle of vodka having been finished off on the journey. All these thoughts were going through my head, what had happened in the last 36 hours or so, how my life had gone completely off the rails, how was I going to face the future with everything that had happened. I was thinking how badly I had messed up everything in my life and that led me down a line of thinking that it might be easier for everyone if I wasn't around. I thought of what my funeral would look like, what people would wear, what they would say. 

As all this was going on in my head, the train announcements kept coming through, you know the ones. Please stand clear of the platform the next high speed train does not stop here. The idea popped into my head to just end it all and throw myself in front of one of the trains. I rationalised that if I was going to do that, this would be a quick effective way of doing it, after all the chances of surviving something like that are miniscule to say the least. I stood there on that platform for a long time, I'm still not sure exactly how long, it probably wasn't as long as I remember it being but these thoughts were running around my head thinking about how useless I was, how nobody would miss me, how the world would be a better place without me. 

Now anyone who has been to Grantham station knows that there is a walkway between the platforms and on this are several posters. One of them caught my eye and in my drunken state realised it was for the Samaritans. On it was a number to text and to this day I think the only reason I'm here is because of those message that I exchanged with a worker that day. I'm not going to post them all here but they made me realise that people would miss me and encouraged me to get in contact with someone, which I did, my Mum, I told her that I needed some help and arranged to go back home and try and sort everything out. My work was fantastic giving me the time off I needed to get my head right, I wasn't in any fit state to work in the first place and was just happy to go try and gather myself. During this time I spent a lot of time talking to The Samaritans, well texting mostly, I didn't think I could face talking to a stranger about what had gone on.

I did message Jemma a couple of times during my time away and again using hindsight (which is a great thing isn't it?) she kept them short, cold and a little formal. This was when I knew it was over, it was also when I started to open up, to my parents, my grandparents and a couple of other family members. At this point I realised that my life was about to fundamentally change, this led to an epiphany of sorts. That I needed outside help and that I needed to start to look after myself more. 

For a long time I didn't feel whole. It felt like I was broken inside, that what had occurred had done something to my mind. I couldn't focus on the future, I just survived. I started working with Rosie, a therapist who didn't judge me, yes she pushed me, questioned me and looked at every aspect of my life. Why did I do the things I did, what the relationships were like and she made me realise that not everything was my fault. I was seeing her via zoom once a week for about 6 months and now I still to this day check in with her once a month just because it helps me cope with everything that life can throw at me, even if she can't understand my fascination with wrestling!

I've spoken to a lot of friends and pretty much the consensus is that I was a pillock for even thinking about doing it, that they are here for me if I ever need to talk. I'd forgotten all about them in the moment and how it would affect them, which is something that I can't change in the past but I know that if I ever get that bad again I have a support system that is there for me.

Guilt can be a big thing and was at the forefront of my thoughts for a long time but anger also showed it's head a couple of times. Once when I was confronted by one of her best friends in the street, now she told me what she called some home truths and whilst what she said wasn't incorrect, she didn't know half of what went on and had only heard one side of the story. I've been very careful about this in the past and will continue to do so, I don't feel the need to broadcast every little indiscretion that occurred on both sides but that was one the closet times I've come to properly losing and unleashing everything that was bottled up inside. I had images of me smashing up the house when the argument happened, sometimes I think it might have been good for me to get it all out there but then another thinks that I'm glad I showed some self control and didn't sink to that level. I can't say I was that angry when she moved onto her new partner, I was expecting it, it didn't mean it didn't hurt any less but anger wasn't there then, it has occurred a couple of times when memories have popped into my head and I see things through a different light but on the whole I'm fairly neutral to her these days. I don't wish anything bad for her but I've accepted that she is no longer part of my life, which I wouldn't have been able to say back before with any great conviction. 

So that's a brief version of what went down, I've come a long way from those days, I won't say that it's perfect there have been days when a few little thoughts crept into my head. What could have happened, what the world could have been. I've learnt to enjoy the little things, learnt about being a new me, it's not perfect but I feel a lot stronger than I did, which is why I've decided to tell this story. I've had a few people in the recent past go through some very bad things and think about doing something similar to what I thought about. I just want them to know if you ever want to chat, go for a curry  that leads onto a big drinking session in a random town or just hurl some abuse at someone then I'm here for you.

And this time I do promise to write something a little more quickly.....and stick to it!